Sorry, no cute pictures today- was busy playing in the yard before the tropical storm/hurricane (Isaac), and cooking in the house. This is about my random questions that swirl around in my mind, never letting me rest. Makes me also reflect on how I plan to- or will- approach Kaely and Chase when they are older and are getting ready for college and deciding what they want to do with the rest of their lives.
When I was young, I wanted to be a marine biologist (didn't everyone? Hello, SeaWorld) and a teacher. Then in high school I studied American Sign Language for 4+ years and planned on dual majoring in elementary and deaf education at Flagler College in St. Augustine. I also had considered becoming an Athletic Trainer (sports medicine), and had seriously considered going to University of Florida for that. As life would have it, I made a series of immature decisions and mistakes, and slacked in the end and did none of those. I spent the next decade chasing business careers, merely for the sake of supporting myself (and eventually Kaely) rather than doing something meaningful beyond paying the bills.
Then, somewhere along the lines (in 2009), Dave gave me the courage, support, and firm shove to pursue an education again- namely, I decided on nursing because I love the medical field, and as much as I love teaching, the patience required is nearly impossible when you have your own child(ren) at home (speaking for myself). This venture I thought would take no time at all- but in reality, after a year of prerequisite courses, followed by a year wait-list, I wasn't able to even start the nursing program until last August (2011). I had managed to maintain a 4.0 GPA until this point working part/full-time and being "room mom" in Kaely's class. But, by the time classes started, Chase was already in utero and stirring up trouble (isn't he always? my love!). I managed to finish up the semester successfully, and had great ambitions as I took my final exam, to return the following semester. Buuuuutttt... well, things were rougher than I had expected, and when weighing options- as much as I wanted that degree, that career... Chase was waaaaayyyy more important and meaningful- and the past 7-8 months are invaluable and irreplaceable- no regrets there whatsoever.
However! Point I was getting to... the time is coming now, as I help my sister sign up for classes, get her ID, parking permits, books, etc... I realize, it's time. I need to get back to school, work, something! I need to be the person I was- the person I am somewhere deep inside- which isn't just "mom"- but a whole person. I love being around the kiddos, but I'm not teaching them things I wish to by simply being home all the time. Sure, we all need to know how to clean house, cook/bake, exercise/play, go for walks and read for pleasure. But I need to show them the importance of education- and that you can never stop learning! That they need to have skills that include working with people, computers, tools, their hands, etc. I need to be able to contribute more than just making lunches or being the silliest at making the stuffed animals dance. I wish I had a magic wand that would take the pressure off and I could be a full time mom, and a full time volunteer at the schools or hospitals, and still have the ability to not stress about finances or all those grown-up responsibilities. So far, I haven't found that wand.
The most distressing part was the other day, returning my uniform shirts (they were borrowed from the school due to being a little large around the waist- lol), hoping to talk to the dean or professors, to see if I can even get back into the nursing program where I left off- no one was there. So then I start trying to formulate a plan B (or C, D, E...)- and pull up the college's list of degrees. Hmmmm- nothing worthwhile. I pull up our university's list of degrees- and quite honestly, I was left wondering the point of it all. So many are dependent on getting the infamous "foot in the door," and the experience and/or "who you know" seem to trump the degree. I kept thinking "what's the point???" But I am a huge advocate of education- and love school- so I will not let the kids get away with slacking... but I am still searching years later, trying to find my calling in life. That feeling of "being more" or "doing more" is always haunting me- so... Hello Universe! Please send me a big neon flashing sign of what direction to follow, please! :)
My promise is this- to my children, that I want to know what you really want to do in life. If you want to be a singer (Kaely) or maybe work with the monkeys (Chase), then okay, let's find a way to make that happen. I want to promise you that I will hold you to your dreams- and not let you give up on them, or walk away when things get too tough, or you think that it's not possible. I won't let you throw away your talents, your gifts, your hard work because the other road looks easier. I will always believe in you, keep you focused and always be here to remind you of what you are capable of. So, for now, you get to be babies and children- and I have this short time to hold myself to the standards I set for you- to be the example. I promise to give you the knowledge and tools to be successful in life- maybe not rich with currency- but you will know how to take care of yourself and those you love. No more excuses! What I wanna be when I grow up for now is the mom who needs to say nothing, but teach by example... I have a long road ahead of me...
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